The "L" Word

As of late, I have been practicing really, really hard at something, and have gotten really, really good at it.  I have been honing my craft, working to elevate it to its highest form or artistic representation.

I have been working toward becoming the laziest person on planet Earth.  And if not planet Earth, at least the laziest person in my area code.

It has literally become too much effort to work out.  And, many of you might want to kill me for saying this, I have loved every minute of it.

Augusta, as I have discussed ad nauseum, took a ton out of me, physically and mentally.  But I don't think it was just Augusta and the training leading up to it that did me in.  It was the past 3 1/2 years.  When I started running, I literally hit the ground running, and never stopped.  For 3 years, I was always training for something.  The training was everything I needed at the time, thanks to a terrible professional situation that was the focal point of my life (and my family's life) for 2 years.  Training helped me work out the stress, anger, and anxiety of that situation.  And I think Augusta was the finish line for a lot of things, figuratively speaking.  It was a culmination of this epic (sorry for the overused verbiage) life transformation that I thrust upon myself, and it was the release of a great many personal demons.  And those demons plopped themselves down, front and center, during the holidays.

With nothing to train for (at the time), I was left a little aimless in my fitness endeavors.  But I was also left with the baggage of the last few years, and realizing that I had never really, truly dealt with any of it, I hit a wall of emotions and anger that took me a bit by surprise.  This, of course, left me feeling physically weak and unmotivated to do anything about it.

I know, I know.  I should have hit the pavement and worked it out through training.  Believe me, I know just how beneficial training is for depression and anxiety.  But the more I thought about it, the more I began to wonder if all of the training I have done for the last 3 years wasn't just a way for me to push aside the real issues I needed to look in the eye, a way for me to focus on something besides my internal pain, a kind of a band-aid.

I continue to enjoy my little hiatus from the world of "crushing it".  It has given me a lot of time to think, and think some more, about where I've been, where I am now, and where I am going.  I don't want to give up what I have spent the last 3 years working so hard for, because it has become a part of me, but I do want to make sure that I am doing it in order to become a better person, and not just to put a mask on the person that I already am.  Does that even make sense?  

And so, I have 4 more days of my lazy bliss before I begin training for my next race.  I am excited to dive in, I am excited to work hard, and I am excited to look at everything through new eyes.  My journey is continuing, just on a slightly more beaten path.

Observations in Idleness

I have made a few key observations since my last race.  This is the first time in close to three years that I am not actively training for some race, even just a 5k, and aside from the mental issues (that sounds weird, right?) I am dealing with, there are the physical issues that have arisen that have taken me completely by surprise.  I made a conscious decision to back off training and to not race anymore this year; not to be completely idle, but to just give myself a little rest after a tough year of races, injury, and general bad crap that has happened in my life.  I expected to feel fatigue as an after-effect of the months of heavy training I did for Augusta, but wow, am I surprised to see and feel my body's reaction to well, inactivity.

I am TIRED.  Like physically exhausted.  All the time.  Saturday night I fell asleep at 7:30 p.m., and did not wake up until almost 7 the next morning (which, for someone like me, might as well be lunchtime).  And my normal afternoon lull is more like a walking coma.

I am SORE.  My everything hurts.  My knees are achy, my shoulders hurt, my back is acting up.  When I have done a workout, I notice that my stamina is already beginning to wane.  It seems that the LACK of activity makes me hurt more than any punishment of hard training ever did.

I am HUNGRY.  ALL. THE. TIME.  You'd think the decrease in training would equate to a decrease in appetite. Listen closely to the sounds of the diet gods slapping their knees and guffawing wildly at the presumption!!  My tummy still thinks it's feeding a person engaged in 8-10 hours of training per week.  My hips are fully aware that the exact opposite is true, and have laid out the welcome mat for the excess calories that are being consumed.  I know, I know, I need to put the kibosh on the carbs.  I don't need a lecture.

I am SQUIRRELY.  One minute I want to sign up for every race within 100 miles of my house.  The next minute I want to get a bowl of ice cream.  When I do get out for a workout, I feel good, but sitting on the couch feels pretty amazing, too.  There are two distinct personalities waging a little battle within me right now: the Type A triathlete who is dying to race again and the lazy slacker who wants you to pass the Chips Ahoy.

My MIGRAINES have returned.  I used to get migraines pretty regularly.  As a teen, I was on copious amounts of meds for them.  They subsided greatly when I was pregnant and nursing, but returned with a vengeance in my mid-30's. When I began running and racing, I noticed that they only came around a few times a year, and didn't hang around for as long.  In the last three weeks since I raced at Augusta, I have gotten three doozies, two of them in the past seven days alone.  Migraines make me MUCH less pleasant than I am now which, unless I am driving, is pretty darned pleasant.

I thought taking a break from training would be exactly what I needed.  And it is.  The problem that I am faced with, though, is that I don't know how to just go for a run, or take my bike out for a ride.  I think with all the training that I've been doing over the last few years, I never learned how to just enjoy a workout that has no real purpose but to release stress, burn calories, and clear my head.

My body is sending me a loud and clear message.  That message being, "Get off your butt, or I am going to go into full-on attack mode."  So, obviously, it is time for action.

My goal for the next two weeks is to head out my front door, and just run.  NO intervals, NO tempo, NO time or distance goal.  I want to see if I can find a happy running place, because goodness knows that has been an issue in the short history that is this fitness lifestyle of mine.  Then maybe my bike and I can kiss and make up.